Where have I "scene" this before?

TW: Religious Topics; Spirituality

I know, I know... although I'm speaking about my experiences at my former church, these submissions may offend other church members or clergy. I apologize if it offends you, but not really. We all have choices to respect the experiences of others or learn from them. I grew up in an environment where the perspective of others wasn't accepted, and we had to agree with the man of God and other spiritual leaders who claimed they were only referencing the bible...

When you let others offend you because they have a different perspective or thought from YOURS, it shows a lack of intellect and spirituality. The ability to see and understand a concept from the other person's philosophy is an art. Let me put it in "religious" form for those who still do not understand. The Christian belief is that God sacrificed his son so believers could have eternal life, correct? Well, if God could only see things from one side, there would be no chance of salvation. God would disagree with the sins of everyone and condemn them to hell. Understand? I hope that example helped. Just because we disagree with someone doesn't mean that we are correct, or our way is better than theirs. Understanding the different experiences of others is the very thing that makes up each individual's life journey and is spiritual.

ROBOTICS V.S. RELIGION AND HOW THEY'RE THE SAME THING

This post won't be hard to digest or deny if you understand how acting works.

Isn't it ironic that I felt true freedom and spirituality after leaving a church where those things were emphasized? My courage to explore other spiritual practices or beliefs is only about a year old. After leaving the church I attended for 20+ years, it took years to sort through the grief, constant reflection, and feeling lost from years of relying on others to "lead my spirituality." I also struggled with my spiritual identity. The screams, cries, and hand waving during an intense "spirit-filled" service were only expressions of emotions I learned to display outwardly by watching my church elders as a child. I thought my spirituality and chance of heaven depended on shouting in church, paying $200 for a Pastors & Wife's anniversary service, or taking out a piercing to avoid being labeled disobedient.

What's spirituality? Can you define religion? There's no right or wrong answer, only individual perception. Spirituality is a journey of connecting your soul to your higher source, while religion is repeated devotion to a concept or belief. Because of free will, how one defines their spirituality is up to them, and those who judge others' spiritual choices are arrogant to think that "their journey" is the RIGHT way for everyone else.

I believe that we all have the liberty to practice the religion we want and can have different ways to connect spiritually. Spirituality doesn't require any particular religious or denomination label to be placed on it just for it to be authentic and meaningful for someone. Once I learned this, I wanted to quickly stop being a religious robot and break away from the environment I had allowed to stagnate my growth.

PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT

Religious behavior can be demonstrated or faked with long-term practice and cultural conditioning. So when I began carefully observing the actions of my previous church leaders, especially those who grew up in church, I realized that many had just become skillful at "doing church." If code-switching is a thing in the professional work field, then there is no reason to believe that this concept does not also exist in today's churches. If we grow up in a world (the church) where we must code-switch and be at our best out of fear, it's no surprise that acting comes easily to those who need to play their role.

Think about it, have you ever needed to fake liking a job or a co-worker to ensure you get a paycheck? Some preachers are no different; to them, the church is just another job and that’s it!

I'll never forget when I opened up a 500,000 check that my late mother left me, and the pastor (owner and son of the builder of his church) held the check in his hand with a grin. Then, he looked down at me with his hand shaking, having the check, and his other hand rubbing his head, and said, "Do you know how much money this is?". In return, I looked up at him and said, " Yea, I guess," but in my head was thinking, "Does he not know this money is because my mom is dead?"

"My Exodus" began when I started seeing how dependent I was on other humans to define “spirituality” for me. Shortly after leaving this church, I saw more clearly, the hypocritical ways of the clergy and the chokehold it had on me. Although I'm only now accepting the loss of a community I once called family for over 20 years—it was worth the exchange to gain growth and courage in return.

I often felt like I owed the "Preacher and his family for the times they were present for me, but I realize I too offered and added to their lives. I'll never deny the loving ways they showed me, but it doesn't erase the other facts about their other harmful behaviors. At one point, I felt this misplaced honor to be a part of the “first family”, shortly after becoming their ‘God-daughter” after my mom passed away.

But honestly, they've boastfully let members know by saying things like

"This is my job"

"Of course you give money to the man of God, his job is to save the saints"

"Honor the man of God"

"This is the job I chose, not one that God assigned me."... and according to them, it's because the bible says so and members easily believe the person using it for their own personal gain.

PRETENDING TO LOVE OTHERS TO AVOID HELL?-God Loves, We Love

Indeed, I loved them and believed they loved me as well. But I'm not confident it was unconditional. "Unconditional Godly Love" is the reason they would use for calling out the faults of members over the pulpit. Sadly, preachers impersonating and claiming to have a love of God for others is not hard to do when that's the only thing required to receive a check. The congregation being a source of income and funding livelihoods are significant motivating factors for preachers to perform the "religious formula" that seems holy and like real "Love! Love! Love!", when it's actually not.

I remember being told once by my previous god-brother I was only loved by him and his family because the love they have for God. When I pitched my idea of leaving to him, he arrogantly told me over the phone , "You'll never find someone who loves you or to put up with you, like we do. You need us." This statement was being made as they held on to the money my mom left me.

I know people may say "of course we love others and obey God because God told us and we don't want to go to hell"...and if that helps you sleep better at night, then I respect it. But remember, there are people who don't serve the same God, who are good people by their own might ( I didn't say imperfect), without any biblical text to instruct them not to do wrong.

I'm not dismissing the bible, but I'm challenging the use of it by imperfect people who use it to fit their specific need, at a specific time.

It feels good to be in a position to question those who I once questioned and was told I was one of little faith. Asking questions that my former spiritual leaders also could not answer, resulted in me being told "I'm not spiritual enough"

WHY CHURCHES ARE A BREEDING GROUND FOR NARCISSIST PERSONALITIES

The truth is being told by a member of "that family" that I needed them and no one would love me is a statement that abusers say. These statements scarily mimic a narcissistic individual who abuses their partner. When their partner finally gains the courage to leave, the abuser tries to make them feel unlovable by others. Why would he think that no other church or person could love me like "they did"? He didn't believe that what he said was true; it was said out of fear that I would soon stop being a source of income and learn about what was happening with the money my mother had left me.