The Victim Syndrome

TW: Death, Mental Illness, Sexual Abuse/Pedophilia References/ Religious Talk

There is no actual diagnosis named the "Victim Syndrome," but I'm thinking about calling the DSM-5 (a book that list's all mental disorders) and asking them to add that one there. It might be a genuine mental illness for someone to believe they are ALWAYS the victims and never the suspect.

Back at my former church, I was up under the leadership of an entire family that could be diagnosed with the "victim syndrome." It seems as though every time something happened to them, it was always the other person, and it was just the devil testing them. The infrequent times any of them apologized, they required the members to forgive them, hug, and accept their apology right away or they would throw a modern church "fit." They would stand in the pulpit and chastise how they apologized, but the member didn't hug them or accept it. Yes, I grew up in a church that held leaders with a heavy state of entitlement.

When other members experienced any difficult time, made a mistake, or maybe even died (yes, died), it would be God trying to teach them a lesson for something they've done. For example, an old member got into a car accident? According to the leaders, they left their church and turned their back on God. The pastor of this church would even boastfully stand and brag about how he buried people that once went to that church and left angry with him. "Now look who needed me last," he would say with his hand on his hips and mic in his hand, through the aisles, trotting around as he's ending his sermon. This was one of his favorite stories to tell to put fear into the member's minds, and it worked. Because of their scare tactics about people getting into car accidents and dying because they left the church, which was the same as turning your back on God, I was so afraid when I went and dealt with that fear for a long time. Finding out that the people that the preacher bragged about burying after leaving his church were in their 80s/90s, I squinted my eyes in annoyance. To brag about burying the corpse of somebody that lived a full life really confused me, and I found the obsession over it very strange.

EVERYBODY IS THE DEVIL, BUT THEM

You would think their names were Oprah Winfrey, the way they hand out Devil titles and accusations towards their members and families.

"The devil is out to get us, but God is using us as an example of how strong we are" line lost its impact and hold on me once I got far away from that church. I've been accused of being the devil in this situation. Over the pulpit, the mother announced to an old friend that she was "hanging out with the devil." Anyone who stands up against them is "the devil." Lost a home because they were at fault? It's not because they were irresponsible but because their families were the devil, and God was just testing them. Tell them that their son is a pedophile and predator? She's the devil. Don't want to get the infamous "First Lady bun" for a service because you can't afford it? The devil is using them to mess up the service. Get sued? It's not because they stole money, but because of the devil; I could go on, but my thumbs would stiffen up, and I'd need to ice my fingers from typing all week. There is a problem when the pastor's wife preaches about how she tells her sons to watch out for women because they're wicked. When she informs the women that they shouldn't have worn a particular outfit to church because it could tempt the men and distract them from God, IT IS A PROBLEM. Instead of holding men and her sons accountable, she blames the women. GROWN MEN are responsible for what they choose to do. I understand the church is a sacred place, and we want to dress appropriately, but women are more pressured and prone to be called the devil than the man in that church, and it's not ok.

A PREVIEW INTO THE COURT BATTLE

Later on, during the court battle, which I will address in many upcoming episodes, I found courage I never knew I had. After receiving the first judgment of many in my favor, I walked out of the courtroom, relieved that the judge was holding them accountable. That moment after walking out, I turned around and decided to stop and keep the door open for a family I once had a relationship with. I wanted to look them in their eyes. I spent years sitting under their influence. They used to fear, arrogance, dishonesty, shame, and false unconditional love motivated by the need to maintain their membership and church, which ultimately allowed them to maintain their livelihood.

As I stood there, they began coming out 1 by 1. First, the mother, the First Lady of the church. She stops, looks at me, and says, "next time you want to talk, just call us,." as if it could've been that easy, and avoided court. I looked at her and assumed that she had forgotten about the times I tried to call and requested them to return what belonged to me long before I had to involve the court. Anyways, after she said that meaningless statement, I looked her in her eyes and said with a vengeance, "your son is a predator." Period. There was nothing else I needed to tell her.

Long before that moment, I experienced extreme anger and disappointment towards them because I realized that protecting the wrongdoings of their family was more important than acknowledging their son's behavior, more important than hurting me, and more important than doing what was right. In saying that to the mom as she walked out, I wanted to convey my hurt to her especially. I felt the closest to her. We shared a special bond that I now know only meant something when her son's reputation wasn't being jeopardized. Reputation was more important than the spiritual messages she preached to her church on Sundays. Her behavior was just one of the examples of how this family did not care about right or wrong within their family and was ok with defending each other even if one of them hurt someone.

Did I mention how, on the first court day, the mom (ex-first lady) decided it would be a good idea to start praying out loud, which was her saying bad things about me from across the room? However, the police officer quickly came over and told her to be quiet. The leaders of that church always said that the Holy Spirit couldn't be silent when it is natural, but for some reason, that day, the "Holy Spirit" ceased right away. -_-

Next was the father. The leader behind the scenes. The enabler. He looked at me as he walked out and said, "hello, Alissa," and continued on behind his wife. I just giggled and thought to myself, after all these years of correcting and teaching them my name…they still call me Alissa!

I wasn't surprised by the father because his job as a preacher is to pretend and display real or fake confidence. He's a professional with years of training and practice. That same day, A few minutes later, after he walked out, he was seen trying to speak to my lawyer outside the courtroom. As I approached, I told him not to speak to my lawyer. That's when he responded, "don't talk to the pastor like that." Taken back by his arrogance, I quickly replied, "you ain't my pastor anymore," with a confused and annoyed look.

They think their church roles helped them outside in the real world, and it doesn't.

This family's internal belief that the power they had in their church would be what got them through the court battle trouble-free. The arrogance and confidence that they are God's chosen and he will save them eventually resulted in their loss of this case. It was as if they forgot that I also knew God and that their blaring "holier than thou" performance wasn't any more potent than my quiet, humble trust in God during this ordeal. They were so good at influencing their members into believing in their power and firm position as God's chosen first family that they forgot that without their followers, their power ceases to exist outside that building.

Next was my newly appointed EX trustee, thanks to the judge. As he walked out, I said nothing but watched him look at me silently and nod his head with a smirk. This was once my big brother, whom I loved and thought the world of. But unfortunately, I had just witnessed him lying in the courtroom after years of us being close.

Next was the predator himself, and he avoided eye contact as cowardly sexual offenders often do. Predators often operate in the dark, and you see how cowardly they really are when the spotlight is on them. I didn't understand why he couldn't face me but was quickly able to lie to his family about his actions.

Next was the daughter, who I believe was a big sister to me, but on many occasions, showed me that wasn't the case. Again, I wasn't furious, but I felt sorry for her for many reasons by that time. She stopped and loudly refused to walk through the door that I was holding open for her. I told the daughter to go because I wasn't moving, and that's when She stormed out of the door.

I held the door open for all of them to walk past me and face me. I need to take my courage back, and that's how I decided to do it. For many years, scared as a child into my adulthood because I believed that any bad thing that happened to me was God punishing me for something.

I've witnessed many people who have left that church behind and are FLOURISHING. This doesn't mean they don't have challenges and are perfect, but it dismisses those lies that this church has used to keep members. Even though they claim not to care if someone leaves and they don't need the members, but the members need them, it's just their way of playing reverse psychology, as many abusers tend to do.