By Grayson Bell
*Trigger Warning: Suicidal Thoughts, Bullying, Physical/Sexual Abuse, Church Hurt, and HOPE!
Being vulnerable is currently a struggle of mine. Interestingly enough, I encourage it in other people. I encourage others to live their best lives, have hope and show up as their authentic self. Yet when it comes to me, I have been afraid to bare my soul beyond a certain level. We all have faced and will face trauma throughout our lives. That is inevitable. It is how we overcome and conquer the demons as a result of our trauma. How we fight against and ultimately integrate our pain is the true definition of resilience. Transmuting our pain into purpose is vital for us to live our best RESILIENT lives. The bad news is that there is no timeline for this. The good news? There is no timeline for this.
As a child, I knew I was different but could not fully grasp or explain it. Something was just “unique” about me. Growing up, I was blessed with amazing parents and a loving family who consistently poured love into me. This love was my foundation and the start of my joy. It was also my sense of protection. I had such joy as a child and was surrounded by love. Then that same love and joy came to an abrupt pause.
By the age of 3, my femininity was very present and could not be denied.
By the age of 5, I had been molested.
By the age of 7, I had been severely bullied. This continued into my middle school years.
By the age of 8, I was physically attacked by a teenage boy in church. I was choked until my mother caught him in the act and pulled him off of me. This was reported and justice was served but I still was a target.
By the age of 13, boys at school and church often bullied me and there were failed attempts to jump me.
By the age of 20, I had become suicidal with constant thoughts of how to end my life and when.
By the age of 25, I chose to make serious changes in my life….
Throughout the various trials in my life, I said little to nothing. I only opened up to a few close loved ones, but I was always burdened about completely opening up. Especially out of concern for my parents and those who loved me because I did not want them to think that they had failed in protecting me in any way. To this day, I still struggle with this. I feel responsible for protecting my loved ones just as much as I feel responsible for healing myself. Both of these feelings coexist within me. It is a process.
As a child who grew up in an open and accepting Christian home, I knew I could always turn to God in my darkest hour. I had seen the miracles of God and felt the hand that God continues to have over my life. My spirituality is a top priority for me as well as the strength that keeps me pressing on. This was almost robbed from me when I disclosed to my pastor (at the time) that I was queer and struggling with the dogmatic beliefs of evangelical Christianity as well as the hurtful statements coming from the pulpit.
At this time, I was told that I was loved but encouraged to “change my ways.” I was given a book on changing my attraction to men and encouraged to attend a group at the church focused on changing my desires. This along with the trauma I had faced and had not fully processed disconnected me from God and made me feel unworthy of God’s full protection and love. This drove me deeper into depression and further away from God. If I could not have God, what did I have? Who could I turn to when humans persecuted me? Who would be my eternal source of strength and unconditional love when I persecuted myself?
Over a period of time, after doing much inner work and reconnecting to God, I realized that I am enough. I am loved beyond measure, and though the weapons form, they will never prosper. I am whom God created me to be. Anybody else who says otherwise will not distract me from the path God has laid before me. Coming out of condemnation into acceptance and peace is a battle many struggles with, myself included, but it is a battle that has been won.
So why should I continue to fear when I am already a conqueror? When my resilience is innate.
One thing I have been learning to do is to accept that healing is not linear and is a conscious decision. We must choose to heal and do the necessary work. Although the trauma we experience is not our fault, it is our responsibility to work through it. There is no deadline for this, but we must choose to do the work because we never know when our earthly time is up. Life is but a mist, and to cultivate it in our favor, we must commit to doing the work.
To me, this is the true definition of resilience. Pushing past obstacles and overcoming the many dark forces that attack us. Knowing that your trauma is as valid as the next person’s and helping to heal others as we heal ourselves is a testament to our resilience.
I thank God for therapy, divine protection, and all of you reading this. No matter what you have been through or will go through, never lose sight of who you are at your core. Never doubt your strength and know that what you seem to “lack” will be given to you. We are not here to be an island. We are here to build bridges and uplift one another.
We are here to bounce back. We are here to win.
-Gray
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I am so proud of you pookie! You give me hope!! ✨Jax
this helped me, thank you to this brotha for speaking out
Infinitely Inspired by your transparency! Thank you so much for sharing your story. Much love 💛